Isn't that what Clark Gable said before the director shouted "Cut!" and the scene was retaken with a more legible cue card? It's a good thing they got the scene right the second time, or Gone With the Wind would have had some very peculiar dialog in it.
In this contest, we ask you to suppose that the speaker of a very famous line from a play or movie has misread the cue card, getting a key word wrong. This key word should be a misprint of *ONE LETTER* from the original word. So Laurence Olivier, when playing the battlefield scene of Richard III, might have been fooled into thinking his character needed a real estate agent when he shouted,
And the writers of "E.T. the Extraterrestrial" might have been anticipating the script of "Northern Exposure" when their alien mistakenly pronounced,
"E.T. phone Nome."
CUE CARD MISCUES Contest Results
(All names without @ symbols are AOL screen names.)
"There's no plate like home."
Perhaps it was a ballfield of dreams that caused Judy Garland to misread her cue card in "The Wizard of Oz"--or so contestants Alamano, SUEBOY, JebMar, POLFLAMUS, and Robbabe variously noted. That classic film was rife with other cue-card bungles, such as:
"There's no place like Rome." (CATLETTERS, Gardenia, Purrrrty)
"There's no peace like home." (Dreamlife)
"There's no place like some." (Milsean)
"We're off to see the lizard." (What Dorothy said when searching for Godzilla) (EnigmaGB)
"Follow the yellow brick toad." (PAPERWORX)
"Follow the yellow Buick road." (Milsean)
"If I only had a train!" (Alamano, Susan 03)
"If I only had a braid!" (MJSpence)
"Liens and tigers and bears--oh my!" (which was WRIT on Dorothy's cue card...) (SavWmson)
"Tito, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." (A tornado carries Dorothy to the former Yugoslavia) (Rickwins)
"Moto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." (After too many Chinese detective movie reruns) (RevMJK)
...and the Special Effects crew would have had a much different task if the Wicked Witch had shrieked: "I'm molting!" (Susan 03)
The other feature film to suffer multiple miscues was "Casablanca." Here's a sampling of the madness:
"We'll always hate Paris." (Bogie cursing the day his and Bergman's characters ever met and got into that mess) (Robbabe)
"We'll always have Maris." (Bogart reassuring Bergman about the bad trades made by their favorite ballclub) (Tlbenton)
"We'll always have parts." (After their car breaks down) (Rickwins; also JebMar)
"Here's looning at you, kid." (Bogie breaks into the yodeling cry of a wild bird) (Tlbenton)
"Herd's looking at you, kid." (And nothing embarrasses a young goat more) (JebMar)
"Here's looking at you, Sid." (After Bergman and Greenstreet exchange roles) (G8ly)
"Of all the gin joints, in all the gowns in all the world, she walks into mine." (Rick's problems with Ilsa result from cross-dressing) (Dfbisbee)
"Plan it again, Sam." (Bogie reschedules his day) (Alamano; also Hotznplotz, Raviac)
"Play it again, Sap." (JebMar)
"Play it again, Sal." (Bogie appears at Michael Corleone's wedding) (Alamano)
"Slay it again, Sam." (Bogie's dinner isn't dead yet) (Alamano; also BDPnApril)
"Play it, Pam." (Rick has a transsexual pianist) (RevMJK)
"The problems of two little people don't matter a hill of jeans in this world." (Rick catches a glimpse of a Levis factory) (Dfbisbee)
... and finally, at the end of the film, Claude Rains accidentally turns the movie into the first pre-"Rambo" violence fest by saying at the most suspenseful moment: "The Major's been shot." [pause] "Pound up the usual suspects." (Tlbenton)
Another target of cue-card mayhem was Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose line in "The Terminator" went from "I'll be back" to:
"I'll be Jack." (BSchedneck, EnigmaGB, JebMar)
"I'll be bank." (Sharonina, JebMar)
"I'll be bark." (Raviac)
"I'll be Buck." (JebMar)
"I'll be Beck." (IQ 140, EricZuerch)
"I'll Be hack." (Hep2, JebMar)
"I'll be Bach." (Robbabe, Dreamlife)
Similarly, Clint Eastwood's line in "Dirty Harry" went from "Make my day" to:
"Make my pay." (JebMar, Hep2)
"Make my dad." (Alamano, Mokaplpi)
"Make my hay." (from a BALEFUL Clint) (SavWmson)
"Bake my day." (Susan 03)
"Take my day. . . ." (said to Henny Youngman) (SASadler)
There were *lots* of other duplications of clever ideas, as you'll see from the entries below. But for our three contest winners, sheer originality was the decisive hallmark. We congratulate StefSpad, Purrrrty, and Alamano (whose entry features three consecutive mis-takes of the same scene). Each winner will receive 5 free AOL hours plus a book or his or her choice from the Atlantic's online bookstore. Roll 'em!
***The Winners***
The Macbeths have their patio redecorated as the three witches look on and comment: "Something wicker this way comes."
(StefSpad)
"I have not yet begun to light." (Robert Stack as John Paul Jones becomes defensive when he takes out a pack of cigarettes in the no-smoking section of the *Bon Homme Richard* and the crew gives him a disapproving look!)
(Purrrrty)
"Gums or knives, Butch?" (Butch Cassidy wonders if he is challenged to fight or bite)
"Buns or knives, Butch?" (He chooses knives)
"Nuns or knives, Butch?" (no comment)
(Alamano)
***And More Cue-Card Craziness***
"If you don't mind my mentioning it, Father, I think you have a wind like a swamp." (Dianna Lynn in "The Miracle of Morgan's Creek," either misreading "mind" or saying what she really meant) (WFleet)
Exhausted by a lifetime of linguistic rigour, Professor Higgins shouts: "Where the devil are my flippers, Eliza?" (In the "Beach Blanket" version of "My Fair Lady"?) (WFleet)
"You can burn my body but never my soup: that is in the keeping of the people of France!" (Vive la France! Vive gastronomie! George Arliss misreads "soul" in Adolfi's "Voltaire") (WFleet)
Instead of a guilt-ridden Mrs. Macbeth wringing her hands in a lather, we find her down on her knees cleaning the carpet after an accident caused by little MacPuppy and saying: "Out damp spot, out I say!" (Ravensegg)
Sidney Poitier, maybe a little too influenced by those "Lilies of the Field" nuns while making "In The Heat of the Night":
"They call me Sister Tibbs!" (Robbabe; also Milsean)
Obviously John Wayne was confused about the dress code in the shootout at the OK Corral when he said: "This gown ain't big enough for the both of us." (BrookLynn1)
"When a man's partner is kilted, he's supposed to do something about it." (Sam Spade in "The Maltese Falcon") (Arglbargl)
"Twas Beauty that kilted the beast." (Scottish lass insists pet ape wear traditional gear) (JebMar)
"It was Beatty that killed the beast." (Milsean)
William Shatner of "Star Trek," unfortunately suggested some strange proclivities for Captain Kirk: "Beat me up, Scotty." (MJSpence)
Alec Guinness as Obi Wan Kenobi, perhaps anticipating the melodramatic turns the "Star Wars" saga would be taking:
"May the farce be with you." (Robbabe; also Dfbisbee, Tombrite)
As Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader personified the battle between good and evil in the film "The Empire Strikes Back," Darth Vader dropped this bombshell on the unsuspecting hero:
"Luke, I am your father."
But suppose Vader had heralded from the San Fernando Valley or the beaches of Southern California. He might have read the cue card this way:
"Like, I am your father."
"You know how to whistle, don't you? Just put your lips together and blot." (Robbabe; also Hotznplotz)
But for some reason, they misread the cue card. So, when they said "Handyman, Handyman, Handyman" they summoned up Tim Allen of "Home Improvement"! (Gardenia)
"Nosebud." (Orson Welles had an allergy during the filming of "Citizen Kane." But what does it mean?) (AJGRAY)
