The Neurotic's Notebook
BY MIGNON McLAUGHLIN
Forget about calories — everything makes thin people thinner and fat people fatter.
People are like birds: on the wing, all beautiful; up close, all beady little eyes.
Loneliness, insomnia, and change: the fear of these is even worse than the reality.
A hypochondriac is one who has a pill for everything except what ails him.
If people find your silences interest- ing, don’t disillusion them.
Neurotics would change places with anyone — except the people they know.
Neurotics have plenty of nonncurotic friends, but not for long.
The last selfless doctor I can remem- ber was Jean Hersholt.
If you take the high road and I take the low road, naturally I’ll get there before you.
The chief function of an executive is to keep those who really do the work from doing it in peace.
A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.
If you jot down every silly thought that pops into your head, you will soon find out everything you most seriously believe.
Has there ever been a time when it was not respectable to be con- servative?
Reminder to clever wives: it is better to be kind than to be witty, and practically impossible to be both.
A woman will wear her heart on her sleeve if she thinks it goes with her dress.
If your children spend most of their time in other people’s houses, you’re lucky; if they all congregate at your house, you’re blessed.
Fine feathers make fine birds, until it comes time to fly.
Children are the noisiest creatures on earth, but they never forgive a mother who screams at them.
Bribes and punishments are equally unavailing against the real don’t- cares.
Love fills a man’s eyes with smiles, a woman’s with tears.
Men marry sexy little girls for some other quality, as they never tire of telling you.
A woman on a diet soon develops a Joan of Arc complex.
No matter what she looks like, every woman secretly considers herself rather seductive.
They threaten me with lung cancer, and still I smoke and smoke. If they’d just threaten me with hard work, I might stop.
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
A man will overlook much in his wife if she just doesn’t keep him waiting.
For the happiest life, days should be rigorously planned, nights left open to chance.
Creative people usually head for the big cities: more than theaters, mu- seums, or libraries, they need each other.
No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try to for a while, you’ll see why.
