Television: Embarrassing Moments of 1963

There may be a distinction worth drawing between a television performance that is merely no good and one that is embarrassing to the viewer. The no-good shows are unmistakably what we expected them to be, identified at a glance, shut off without a qualm; but the embarrassments catch us unaware. Before we can bow out, we have, indecently, like a Peeping Tom, intruded on some fiasco that we should have preferred never to have seen at all. Some examples in 1963:

Senators Mundt and McClellan: Their determination, by means of their own questions, to share the spotlight they had caused to be turned on Joe Valachi. The self-satisfaction both senators seemed to draw from an awareness of their own moral and intellectual superiority to their guttersnipe witness would have been extremely funny had it not been so embarrassing.

100 Grand: To watch the opening performance of this widely advertised new quiz show was like meeting a person who was unaware that he was suffering from an incurable and soon to be fatal disease. It was embarrassing in details as well as in the large. How, for instance, does the viewer respond when the quizmaster, or whatever he is supposed to be, begins by insisting that the show is absolutely on the level? To clinch it, each contestant signed a preposterous “affidavit” that no one else knew what questions he was about to ask his opponent — so there! Gone was the trusting trust company vice president who used to carry the questions from vault to studio in a little black bag, custodian, alas, after the fact. Gone were the usherettes in their fishnet tights, who once sealed off the contestant in his cue-proof cabinet, but only after too many cues had already been given and received. Gone too were the histrionics, the scowls of groping recollection, the grin of memory triumphant, hope, dismay, avarice writ large, etc., etc. What survived was the inane information on tap from people who knew more about one special subject or another than anyone could wish to hear. 100 Grand lived for only three performances, an embarrassment to all for every moment of its stay.

Hugh Downs and Alec Waugh: This interview with a perfectly readable English author, on the Today show, was bowling along harmlessly enough until Waugh happened to mention that he had attended an English public school. Even as the viewer began to hope that what seemed to be coming next could somehow be avoided, Waugh determined to forestall any misunderstanding on the part of his audience. What was called a public school in England, he went on relentlessly, was really a school like our Groton, St. Marks, and such. But now came helpful Hugh Downs to drive the point home, and I am not quite sure whether an assist from others on the show was included. In other words, said Downs, what you call a public school in England is what we call a private school over here. (Exclamation points, general concurrence, affable chuckles at how such things could be.)

Command Performance: Picked out in light on a dark screen appeared a royal crown and the words — repeated sonorously by an unseen announcer— Com-mand Performance! The source of the command was not disclosed, but what followed was a Hollywood B picture, a release of the year 1936.

Spins the Smoke: It was embarrassing to be faced by a normal-looking adult, possibly a husband and father, who had been hired to explain to us persuasively a dual absurdity: (a) that the filter in the cigarette he was plugging was actually constructed in such a way as to “spin the smoke,”

and (b) that spinning or spun smoke was preferable to other varieties.

Senator McClellan and James R. Hoffa: Their belief, on quite separate and unrelated occasions, that the word is pronounced (and presumably spelled) “substantuate.” One would pass this as a slip of the tongue were they not so aggressively parading their precision of utterance.

Footnote on Bob and Ray: Their marvelous performance on the Ed Sullivan Show, absolute perfection in every respect, served to emphasize how embarrassingly dreary are so many other television comedians.