The Old Mandarin "Translations From Chinese"

The fountain pen I used so long
Touched by a burning cigarette
Sizzled away in white camphory smoke.
I had never guessed
It was so inflammable.

That was the only time,
You cold-blooded old thing,
That the ink
Really boiled in your pen.

Render unto Caesar
The things that are Caesar’s,
But you run the risk of
Being called Appeasers.

A club of fishermen held an outing.
The picnic was planned stag
But one of the anglers brought his new wife.
They spent the day fishing,
The evening lushing,
And the Old Mandarin, with Oriental aplomb,
Sought to relieve the constraint.
He said, to flatter the husband,
“A handsome woman, your wife;
A very fine woman indeed.

The fisherman replied: “You should have seen
The One That Got Away.”

The Old Mandarin was troubled
By a cosmetic advertisement:
COMPACTS GREATLY REDUCED.

The Atlantic Charter?
The Declaration of Moscow?
Teheran?
Quebec?

Sink your tingling dorsal in
This reservoir of porcelain.

For your complaint a steaming wallow
Beats all other physic hollow.

Just relax, and growing pink
Don’t allow yourself to think.

Lie there till the water’s tepid
And your humor grows more lepid.

Soap and silence be your drug.
Perfect in vacuity,
Tell your mind: Now let me be.
Then pull the plug.