Jingle All the Way

Jingle All the Way Results

Your game hosts thank

Each male and female

Who filled our box

With punning e-mail

-- Cox and Rathvon

But to get the proper effect of that jingle -- and the ones below from our contest -- you probably should put each line on its own placard and space them out at the side of a highway somewhere, and then drive past them at about 60 miles per hour. That's the way the old Burma Shave advertising jingles worked. And at least one of our contestants yearned for a return to those originals:

Skip the puzzles

Quit the yak

We just want those

Red signs back

(PinFamily)

PinFamily added a couple of actual Burma Shave rhymes, as you'll see below. Other contestants submitted jingles for real-life products, but some of our favorite rhymes were for made-up items (perhaps these ads will inspire someone to market them!).

After cruising past the various billboards in this contest several times, we stopped and starred our three favorites--by [email protected], LeonardJK, and Birdsinger. To these clever masters of the ad-verse, we offer our thanks and congratulations! So without further ado, let's rev up our engines and take a tour of these wry turnpike rhymes!

***The Winners***

Balding early?

Don't despair

Something new

Is in the hair.

Rogaine

([email protected])

Aitch tee tee pee

Colon slash slash

you.really.can

make.quick.cash

WEBSCAMS.COM

(LeonardJK)

Sir Galahad

Took a bite.

It locked his jaw.

Silent knight.

Betty Botter Better Peanut Butter

(Birdsinger)

***And Our Other Top Favorites***

Stick your nose

Way up higher.

You're smarter than

The average flyer.

Arrogant Airlines

([email protected])

Ghana's grand,

But we're just jolly:

We've got rid of

Boutros-Ghali.

The new U.N.

([email protected])

Settle here,

We'll give you cash.

But don't hide bombs,

In your trash.

West Bank Real Estate

([email protected])

Tummy pain

upsetting you?

Take a dose

of Elmer's glue.

(ShedPot)

Save our forests

>from abuse;

buy a poly-

ester spruce.

Ersatz Trees, Inc.

(ShedPot)

Roller blades

you ought to try;

have some fun

before you die.

Dinky's Rink

(ShedPot)

Don't encourage

molar moss;

daily use your

dental floss.

Phil Ament D.D.S.

(ShedPot)

Pita topping

taste like pumice?

try our New York

Deli hummus.

(ShedPot)

It was a big enough

Computer--so you thought.

You got it home,

And now it's not.

Microsoft

([email protected])

He bought the car* because

Good-breeding it exuded.

*Cool clothes and British

Accent not included.

Lexus Infiniti

([email protected])

The mother labored

To refine the youth.

Oh, see him now--

A slob, uncouth.

Carl's Jr.

([email protected])

Why learn English?

You are much too dumb.

Good luck living

As a bum.

Hooked on Ebonics

([email protected])

News flew quickly

On the briny

That Popeye's head

Became un-shiny.

ROGAINE

([email protected])

The sun seems bright,

The stars aligned...

All Ken's troubles

Are left behind.

PREPARATION H

([email protected])

Bill's Windows broke,

He saw the light

And so he took

A better byte.

APPLE COMPUTER

([email protected])

Don't let your

Program be hamstrung

Get help from an

Insider's tongue.

PACKWOOD LOBBYING SERVICES

([email protected])

Throats raw and red,

A cold in you head,

Eustachians in strife

My station in life

Dr. James Nelson

Ear, Nose and Throat

([email protected])

Hark, the Herald

Tribune chants:

"Come to Joe's

for coats and pants."

While the Daily

News replies,

"Come to Pop's

for better buys."

All together,

let us run

to get our Christmas

shopping done.

(Charlezzzz)

Oops, Hades

Soft and slack

Men, ladies

Yuletide snack

Nordic Track

([email protected])

Tickle me,

I'll tickle you.

I bet they're workin'

On Elmo II!

(Robmur)

If instead of his nose

Rudolph glowed from the tail,

We might hire him

To deliver the mail.

USPS

(Robmur)

When your dinner

Is not so fine,

Just have some more

Blueberry wine.

E & J Gallo

(Robmur)

Low on dough?

That's no surprise.

Try some of ours

And watch it rise

Pillsbury

(Robmur)

One frog croaks "Bud"

Another does "Weis"

A third utters "Er"

And everyone buys.

A. Busch

(Robmur)

Tho' Death may wield

His morbid sickle

Be glad you peeled

A Pearson's Pickle

([email protected])

When you are sick

Of all the hype

Get Bubblin' Lite

It's just your type.

(Mypoet)

Let that glass

Now hit your lip

When Beef Eater's served

It's time to sip.

(Mypoet)

Who's cruising down

The Info Highway,

Flaming all:

You'll do it my way

Microsoft

([email protected])

Don't be fooled

By Imitations

The bourgeoisie

Have limitations

Grey Poupon

([email protected])

Want your kid

To be a whiz

When you ask him

What it is?

Encyclopedia Britannica

([email protected])

If you're feeling

Stiff and sore

Don't complain

You'll be a bore.

Ben-Gay

([email protected])

Have some drinks

Crash some cars

Spend some time

Behind our bars

HIGHWAY PATROL

(LeonardJK)

Come to where

It's nice and hot

With same sex friend

To tie the knot

HAWAII

(LeonardJK)

Ewe too kan

Lurn too rede

Inn sicks weaks

Inn blaising spead

HOOKED ON FONIX

(LeonardJK)

Bubble bubble

Radiator trouble

Prepare ye soon

For winter gloom

PRESTONE

(LeonardJK)

Shoosh and glide

Down the hill

But save some cash

To pay our bill

ASPEN ORTHOPEDICS

(LeonardJK)

Poor orphan Holly

Was amazed.

So many gifts:

Happy Holly, dazed.

Annie's Children's Christmas Fund

(Birdsinger)

Baby Ellie

Jumped and fell.

Tried again-

The first "No," El.

Children's Safety Council

(Birdsinger)

Chris and Mary

Lived at Pa's

But at Yuledtide

Mary, Chris--Ma's.

Share the Kids Support Group

(Birdsinger)

Horse got caught

In printing press.

Stamped with tidings:

"Mare - egress - mess."

SPCA

(Birdsinger)

Fed a horse

In excess.

She chomped my hand.

Mare - "Eek"; wrist- mess.

Santa's Stables

(Birdsinger)

A miracle

Obstetrical-

Babies

Symmetrical.

Your Local Fertility Clinic - Multiples Now Half Price

(Birdsinger)

In Tibet, the

Dalai Lama

Ran out of Lipton's:

Melodrama.

(Birdsinger)

A YoYo is

The Swellest.

Not the toy,

The cellist.

Metro Symphony Orchestra, featuring YoYo Ma on cello.

(Birdsinger)

Buy a U S

Saving's Bond

And help support

The Pentagon.

A public service announcement by the American Tool Corp.,

where screwdrivers are now only $450.

(Birdsinger)

He got the job.

Was overjoyed.

Shook boss's hand.

Now unemployed.

Pineapple Hand Lotion

(Birdsinger)

If subject is

Schizophrenic,

And only one side's

Photogenic,

Not to worry.

It's no trouble.

We'll take his portrait

On the double.

Bipolar Photo Studio

(Birdsinger)

On this road

Elizabeth

Eschewed

Fast food.

She starved to death.

She should have chewed our Big Mac.

(Birdsinger)

Stressed out gnu,

Needed cheer.

Soothing music.

Happy gnu ear.

KSOF Radio Station

(Birdsinger)

In the puddle children play;

Here's how they construe it:

Mud pies! Such a dirty job

But someone's got to do it.

Muckraker's Detergent

([email protected])

All you'll get from Santa?

A jolly ho ho ho.

What you'll get from Megatoys?

A chance to win

Tickle Me Elmo.

([email protected])

Hold on tight

It won't be long

I've launched the Schwepps

Major Tom

([email protected])

Prison factories?

Don't be mad

You got cheap toys

You should be glad

People's Republic of China

([email protected])

Body odor embarrasses

When friends are near

So it's time that you

protect your rear

End Zone

(Unhunk)

Tidy Bowl?

It Cannot Be

The signs lead to

This company

Burma Shave

(PinFamily)

The time has gone

The stubble's grown

On many youths

Who need to own

Burma Shave

(PinFamily)

"Born too late!"

The young man said

"I'm forced to use

Brand X instead"

Burma Shave

(PinFamily)