Notes: The Fall

NARRATOR. One day Eve was walking through Paradise, a place in the Middle East, looking good.

EVE. Hello, bird.

BIRD (in a high sweet voice). Hello, Eve. EVE. Hello, toad.

TOAD (in the voice of Eugene Pallette). Hello, Eve.

EVE. Hello, butterfly.

BUTTERFLY (in a fluttery voice). Hello, Eve.

EVE. Hello, bear.

BEAR (in a gruff voice). Hello, Eve. EVE. Hello, earthworm. EARTHWORM (in a harmony of two voices, one high and one low). Hello, Eve.

NARRATOR (in case people don’t know about the earthworm). The earthworm being hermaphroditic. Having, that is, both kinds of organs. (Organ music.) Then she met another animal.

SNAKE (in an insinuating tone such as Sheldon Leonard used as the tout on the Jack Benny show). Psst! Hey, Eve!

EVE. Hello, sn—, sn—, sn—.

SNAKE. Hot-cha.

EVE (embarrassed). I’m sorry, I can’t quite recall your name. What did you say?

SNAKE. Never mind names. I’m just a friend. (Music to “There’s a place in France, where the women wear no pants. ”) I said . . . Hotcha.

EVE. Oh. I don’t know that word. SNAKE. You don’t know . . . much.

EVE. I . . . don’t?

SNAKE. For instance, you don’t know why you have to do the cleaning and cooking and canning and all Adam has to do is go out and (heavy sarcasm) pick . . . fruit.

(Ominous music.)

EVE. I . . . just. . . never. . . thought about it.

SNAKE. Did you ever think about . . . money? (Ominous chord.) Power? (Ominous chord.) Lawyers?

(Ominous silence.)

EVE. I . . . don’t know what those things are.

SNAKE. Mm-hm. Wanna know?

EVE. I . . . suppose. I . . .

SNAKE. Haven’t you been raised above all the animals? Don’t you have a responsibility to stay on top of things? EVE. Well, Adam usually. . .

SNAKE. Mm-hmmm. Here.

(Ominous chord indeed, with a sinuous wiggle at the end.)

EVE. Why, that’s an apple.

SNAKE. Mm-hmm. I picked it for you. Just for you.

EVE. But. . .

SNAKE. I’ll bet Adam never picks anything just for you.

EVE. He picks things.

SNAKE. Mm-hmm.

EVE. He brings them home.

SNAKE. Mm-hmm.

EVE. He says, “I’m starved!”

SNAKE. Mm-hm, okay, here it is, take a bite, it’s for you.

EVE. No.

SNAKE. Why?

EVE. Because. We’re not supposed to.

SNAKE. Who says?

EVE. Well! Our Father, that’s who! For heaven’s sake!

SNAKE. You ever see this “Our F—,

F—, F—”

EVE. Father, No . . .

SNAKE. And who told you about him? EVE. Well . . . Adam.

(Organ music.)

SNAKE. Mmm . . . hmmmm. (Quickly.) What if I told you Adam eats ‘em all the time? What if I told you that’s how come he’s on top of things? That’s how come he does the picking and you have to clean and can and cook?

EVE. Are you telling me the truth? SNAKE. Mmmm. Wanna know?

EVE. I don’t know.

SNAKE. SO why’d you ask? Come on, an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

EVE. What’s a doctor?

SNAKE. Wanna know? It’s easy. Watch, (Sudden swallowing noise.) Can Adam do that?

EVE (laughing). There’s a big lump in your throat.

SNAKE. Over you, sweetheart.

EVE (softly). Awww . . .

SNAKE. Of course, I’m just a snake.

I guess you wouldn’t want to eat what I eat. You wouldn’t even want to take a bite of this other apple here. And howdo you think that makes me feel? I guess you think I don’t have feelings. That’s all right, I’ll just . . . crawl off.

EVE. No, don’t!

SNAKE. Why not? You wouldn’t care. EVE. Yes I... I feel funny. I never felt this way before.

SNAKE. Of course not! It’s a beautiful feeling! It’s a rare feeling! It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world! It’s . . .

(Music that goes with the first few bars of “Love Lifted Me”—that goes, that is, with “I was sinking deep in sin”)

. . . guilt. (Quickly.) There’s only one thing for it! An apple!

EVE. Oh. (A crunch. A pause.) SNAKE! SNAKE. Heh-heh-heh. How do you like them apples? And look at you! Hot-cha!

(Organ music.)

EVE. Eeek!

SNAKE. I’ll be, uh, seeing you.

( “Place in France” exit music, dying away.)

EVE. Oh, what will I do? I don’t have anything to wear!

(Theme to The Andy Griffith Show, whistled.)

ADAM. Hi, Eve! (Whistles another couple of bars.) Look at all this fruit I brought. I call it . . . figs! I’m starved. (Begins to whistle again, but trails off.) Eve? Whyare you all huddled like that?

EVE. As if you didn’t know.

ADAM. Huh? Know what? How would I know?

EVE. You don’t know, do you? You don’t know . . . much. And the worst thing is, you don’t care.

ADAM. Huh? Sure I do. I mean . . . what do you mean, “care”?

EVE. You know very well what I mean, “care.”

ADAM. No, I don’t, I swear I cion’t, how would I—

BRISK NO-NONSENSE VOICE. Okay, okay, stop it right there. This is never going to work. Here, Adam, here’s an apple. Eat it, for God’s sake. And get yourself some clothes, both of you. I thought it would be easier for you if you didn’t know anything, but I should have known better.

ADAM. Well, I . .

EVE. Are you Our Father? You don’t sound all that fatherly to me.

THE VOICE. Our Father, Granny Smith, what does it matter?

EVE. What does it matter? Adam, you sat right there and told me we were created by Our Father.

ADAM. NO, I didn’t, not exactly—I said . . .

EVE. Adam, will you eat the applet ADAM. Don’t want to.

EVE. You have to. Doesn’t he?

THE VOICE. Hm. Interesting question. (The voices of all three begin to fade.) I guess. Listen, I’ve got things to do. EVE. Things! What things could possibly be more important than your family?

THE VOICE. Family!? Well—I didn’t say “more important.”

EVE. Yes, you did too. And you know you did.

THE VOICE. You said “more important.” I said “to do.”

EVE. YOU know what you said, and so do I, and so does Adam. Don’t you, Adam?

ADAM. I think I’ll go fishing.

EVE (rising against the final fade). Fishing!? Like that!?

—Roy Blount, Jr.