Football Is King
JOHN B. SMITH takes the stand.
Q. Mr. Smith, are you familiar with the clichés used in football?
A. Naturally, as a football fan.
Q. What kind of football fan are you, may I ask?
A. I am a rabid football fan, sir.
Q. In that case, I suppose you attend a great many football games.
A. I go to a great many grid tilts, if that’s what you mean.
Q. I see. Who attend these grid tilts?
A. Record crowds, or throngs.
Q. And what does a record crowd provide?
A. A colorful spectacle, particularly if it is the Army-Navy game.
Q. Mr. Smith, how do you know when the football season is about to start?
A. When there is a tang of autumn in the air I know that football will soon be king.
Q. Is there any other portent that helps you?
A. About September first, when the newsreels start showing pictures of coaches putting their charges through early practice, I know that football will soon hold sway — undisputed sway — over the hearts of sports lovers.
Q. Describe these pictures.
A. The candidates sit around on their haunches looking a little sheepish, while the coach stands in the middle holding a football — pardon me, a pigskin — and an announcer states that an atmosphere of optimism prevails in the Gopher camp despite a heavy schedule and the loss of several of their best men through graduation. Then the coach makes a short talk, the gist of which is that, while he will make no predictions, he will say that any team that comes up against the Gophers this fall will know they’ve been in a battle — how about it, men? Then the men line up and tackle a flying dummy.
Q. A shrewd summing up, Mr. Smith. Speaking of ‘up,’ what do football teams roll up?
A. A score.
Q. If they don’t roll up a score what do they do?
A. They battle to a scoreless tie.
Q. What do they hang up?
A. A victory. Or, they pull down a victory.
Q. Which means that they do what to the opposing team?
A. They take the measure of the opposing team, or take it into camp.
Q. And the opposing team?
A. Drops a game, or bows in defeat.
Q. This dropping, or bowing, constitutes what kind of blow for the losing team?
A. It is a crushing blow to its hopes of annexing the Eastern championship. Visions of the Rose Bowl fade.
Q. So what follows as a result of the defeat?
A. A drastic shakeup follows as a result of the shellacking at the hands of Cornell last Saturday.
Q. And what is developed?
A. A new line of attack.
Q. Mr. Smith, how is the first quarter of a football game commonly referred to?
A. As the initial period.
Q. What kind of quarterbacks do you prefer?
A. Elusive quarterbacks.
Q. Who traditionally comprise the membership of Notre Dame’s football team, the Fighting Irish?
A. Woszianko, Rumplemeyer, Kozlowski, Goldsmith, Ponzaneri, and so on.
Q. And who play on the Harvard team?
A. Mahoney, Grady, O’Halloran, Dolan, and Cabot.
Q. Very good. Now then, what does a young football player show?
A. An embryo football player? He shows great promise in high school.
Q. Why?
A. Because he is husky, powerful, sturdy, stout-hearted, fast on his feet, a tough man in a scrimmage, and tips the scales at two hundred pounds.
Q. Which makes him?
A. A magnificent physical specimen.
Q. What happens after the magnificent physical specimen shows great promise?
A. He goes to college.
Q. How?
A. On funds donated by wealthy alumni who are rabid football fans.
Q. And who are?
A. And who are dissatisfied with the coach, it is rumored.
Q. Once in college, what does the magnificent physical specimen become?
A. Promising football material.
Q. So he joins the candidates who are trying for positions on the football team, eh?
A. I would n’t put it that way. I’d just say he goes out for football. By the way, Mr. Sullivan, now that I have amended your statement, how do you stand ?
Q. I stand corrected.
A. Good. A bit of a cliché fancier yourself, eh?
Q. Oh, I dabble, I dabble. Now then, Mr. Smith, I suppose that in the course of time — the due course of time, to be exact — the magnificent physical specimen is appointed to a place on the regular team.
A. You waste so many words. He makes the varsity eleven.
Q. What kind of practice is he put through?
A. Hard, grueling practice.
Q. Where?
A. Under the eye of the coach.
Q. What kind of eye?
A. Watchful eye.
Q. So that he is?
A. In fine fettle, and a veritable human fighting machine.
Q. What does he shovel?
A. Passes.
Q. What kind of threats is he partial to?
A. Triple threats.
Q. What does he nurse?
A. Bruises.
Q. What does he break?
A. Training.
Q. What does he stave off?
A. Defeat.
Q. What kind of prowess does he boast?
A. Vaunted.
Q. What is a good football captain called?
A. An able field general.
Q. And the able field general leads his team through an unbroken series of victories, does he not?
A. He does unless he is declared ineligible.
Q. Where is he when he is declared ineligible?
A. He is behind in his studies.
Q. Now, Mr. Smith, what, according to tradition, does the coach call the players?
A. He calls them ‘men.’
Q. And what does the captain call his teammates ?
A. He calls them ‘fellows.’
Q. What does the coach say in the locker room just before the game?
A. He says, ‘Well, men, I guess that’s about all. Now, get in there and fight!’
Q. What does the captain say?
A. He says, ‘Come on, fellows, let’s go!’
Q. So they go out there?
A. Determined to win.
Q. What for?
A. For the honor of the school; for dear old Alma Mater; for the glory of old Crimson; for God, for country, and for Yale; for dear old Rutgers; for good old coach; for Dad and Mother, and for A Certain Girl.
Q. For anything else?
A. For Delta Kappa Epsilon and good old Sigma Phi, for Scroll & Key and Skull & Bones, and Theta Delta Chi.
Q. Why, you’re quite a poet, Mr. Smith!
A. Oh, I dabble, I dabble.
Q. Where is A Certain Girl during the game?
A. Up there in the stands, her heart glowing with pride.
Q. What is she wearing?
A. A chrysanthemum.
Q. Where are Mother and Dad?
A. Up there too, their hearts glowing with pride.
Q. When Son drops the punt do Dad’s and Mother’s hearts cease glowing with pride?
A. Dad’s sinks, but not Mother’s.
Q. Why not?
A. Because she thinks he has scored a point.
Q. Why else is Son determined to win?
A. Because he wants to emerge from that game as the greatest end since Larry Kelly.
Q. Why does he wish to be the greatest end?
A. So he can get his letter, and be a candidate for the All-American team.
Q. Why?
A. So that he can get a bid from a big pro team.
Q. Pro team?
A. Professional football.
Q. Why does he want to play pro football?
A. Because that may bring a bid from the movies to play magnificent physical specimen parts, such as Tarzan.
Q. Does he get his letter?
A. Yes.
Q. How?
A. By snatching victory from the jaws of defeat.
Q. How?
A. By carrying the ball seventy-five yards for a touchdown.
Q. When?
A. In the last minute of play.
Q. What was the crowd yelling?
A. ‘Hold that line!’
Q. What else does the crowd yell?
A. ‘Block that kick!’
Q. What does the rabid football fan sitting behind you do?
A. He jams my hat down over my head in his excitement.
Q. Why?
A. Because he is an old grad, and he is a little the worse for wear.
Q. You mean?
A. He is feeling good. He’s in his cups.
Q. By the way, Mr. Smith, what would you call the annual game between Yale and Harvard?
A. It is a grid classic.
Q. And what is the Yale Bowl — or the Harvard Stadium — on the day of this grid classic?
A. A Mecca for football fans throughout the East.
Q. And the fans?
A. Jam the Bowl to its utmost capacity. Reporters estimate the crowd at 75,000.
Q. Just 75,000?
A. No. Pardon me. Fully 75,000.
Q. Do Yale or Harvard care whether they bow to any other eleven prior to their grid classic with each other?
A. Oh, no. They point to each other.
Q. Point?
A. Yes. Train for each other.
Q. Why?
A. Because of their age-old rivalry.
Q. Are they the only two colleges that have an age-old rivalry?
A. Good heavens, no! Every college worthy of the name has an age-old rivalry. Army and Navy. Cornell and Syracuse — you know.
Q. I see. What is it the rooters want Yale to hold?
A. ‘’Em.’ You know — ‘Hold ’em, Yale!’
Q. If Harvard emerges triumphant over Yale, what does that constitute?
A. A moral victory for Yale.
Q. And the game itself?
A. It was a good game from the spectators’ point of view.
Q. Why?
A. Because there were plenty of thrills.
Q. What happens after a football game?
A. The undergraduates tear down the goal posts.
Q. What reigns on the campus of the winning team that night?
A. Joy, or pandemonium.
Q. And the cops?
A. The cops wink.
Q. Mr. Smith, as an expert, what lesson do you draw from the game of football?
A. Life is a game of football, Mr. Sullivan, and we the players. Some of us are elusive quarterbacks, some of us are only cheer leaders. Some of us are coaches and some of us are old grads, slightly the worse for wear, up in the stands. Some of us thump the people in front of us on the head in our excitement, some of us are the people who always get thumped. But the important thing to remember is — Play the Game!
Q. How true!