Young Man in Love: A Journal of Ninety Years Ago

August 16th, 1841.¹ — Went to town last Saturday & stayed all night at Uncle’s. Went to the circ. Library and got Mrs. Sherwood’s ‘History of Henry Milner,’ which teaches lessons both morally and religiously. Tho’s Dick’s ‘Improvement of Society’ is also very good. F. and R. have started on a trip to the mountain to-day. I would have liked to have gone, especially as she will be there, besides whom I care for nothing else. Had I her I would not care for gold, — I would not exchange, were it proposed, the thrones of Kings and Queens, statesmen’s honors or patriots’ exploits. Without her I think I shall not have any pleasure in this world, but I hope the Lord will grant her to me, if it be His pleasure.

Sunday, 22d Aug. — Went to two Sunday schools, and then to church. Was sad and cast down. I think I am not long for the world — at least, don’t wish to be. I am, in a word, unhappy.

Monday, 30th. — Worked on the roads. Went to camp-meeting at Taylor’s place. I do not think much of this way of worship. Such hallooing, whooping, and shouting I hardly think religion.

Sept’r 24. — We sowed our rye last week.

Sept’r 26th. —This day is Sabbath. Oh, how melancholy the reflection that we will soon die and leave this world, perhaps for a better, perhaps for a worse. I think I am not long for this world — I feel some disease creeping over me. Oh may I be prepared to die! Give me, Oh Lord, an humble heart. The one whom I love, it appears, can never be mine. I have for months smothered my passion. It is gnawing into my vitals, and will, I fear, drag me to the grave. I have some confused thoughts about Religion, but yet. I cannot put them into practise. Oh Lord, give me a new heart! Show me the light of Thy countenance. Help me in prayer.

Oct’r 22d. — I have been very irregular in writing my journal — if journal it can be called. I hope to be more regular in future. Our Schoolmaster, Mr. A., has been discharged from school in consequence of getting drunk. We began to plough for wheat below the barn to-day. Sunday school on the hill, but did not go. There will be sacrament at Grace Church to-day at 11 o’clock, but I am not going. I think I will stay at home, for when I go out I see that beautiful creature. It arouses painful and melancholy thoughts.

Could I but say with faith, ‘Oh Lord, Thy will be done!’ Since 1839 my love to her has been increasing nearly to the phrensy of despair. For a while I was happy in the prospect of future happiness, but now am miserable in the prospect of future misery.

Oct’r 24th. — We have sowed our wheat, and we hope, by the blessing of Providence, to have a good crop. Next Monday I expect to go to College at Beesontown. I have, of late, been trying to resign myself to the will of the Lord. I feel that I do love, but without His assent I can do nothing.

Oct’r 25th. — Snow to-day, the first this year.

Nov’r 7th. — I have the hardest work to persuade myself to write in my journal, sometimes saying to myself, ‘What’s the use?’ Then I answer, ‘I can read it when I get old, if I ever attain that age.’ Well, I commenced College last Monday, and I like it pretty well. To-day I wrote a letter to my father at Erie, the first I ever wrote in my life. I still have my old trials, Love, Hypocrisy, &c, which strike like arrows to my heart. Her I do love with all the affection of a De Sévigné or a Delorme, and have as little hopes now as they had. But I trust it will end as happily as theirs did.

Sunday, 21st Nov’r. — This winter so far, I think, is the mildest I can remember. Even now it is as warm out of doors as a May morning. I still go to College, which I like better and better. We have a singing school here just now. I have a small time-piece, which is the first I ever had.

March 3rd. 1842. — It has been a very great while since I have written any in this Book; no less great events have occurred since then. The first great event is, that I have went to Madison College for the last 5 months, joined two Literary Societies, become acquainted with a great many students, and learned very little altogether.

April 6th. — I am at present busily engaged in writing a speech for our Exhibition, which takes place Tuesday 12th inst., on the Tariff question.

May 22nd. — I do not at present feel very well. Calamities of a private nature have fallen on me. Love, that Goddess, has left my heart desolate & sorrowful. What is Life? Nothing to me, if she does not love me, & will not become mine own!

July 16th. — Time goes on, and with it the events of time. Youth is one of the most important parts of Man’s life. Harvest is nearly over, — wheat is first rate, amply repays for miscrops of last year, — corn is very backward at this time, but there is a prospect of a good crop. Everything goes on lively except money matters, which, from various causes, are in a deplorable situation.

There is one thought which has occupied my mind for 3 years past. It is Love! And I have good reason to believe it has come to a crisis. Be it so! I think I am resigned to the will of Heaven. I have avowed my passion to the object, & by letter. Never shall I forget that time! I had written one before, but could not present it, — & it did not suit me exactly, so I burnt it. I wrote another without date, which is one of the causes of destroying the other. It was on a balmy and clear night, the 10th of July. Not a cloud straggled in the horizon. A thousand stars glittered in the firmament. Nothing was heard, save the screeching of the screech owl, and the waving of leaves as the breeze of the evening stirred them.

We were sitting on the Porch at her house: it was getting late, & she had intimated it was bed-time, and even I felt sleepy, when, after yawning a few times, I arose to go. I got my cane & Book and went into the porch door, — stared at the vast expanse of heavens, and yawned two or three times. Now, thought I, is my time! So I nerved my moral & physical faculties, for I was all agitation, when I said, ‘-, I have got something for you.’ I half doubted whether the words escaped my lips, but she, after a pause, said, ‘ Have you ? ’ at the same time coming up to where I stood. I handed it to her, scarcely knowing what I did. She turned it over in her fingers 2 or 3 times, and said, ‘What is it?’ ‘It,’ said I, ‘will speak for itself.’ ‘Well, then, I’ll read it,’ said she. This is a true description, which I shall remember as long as I live, — nothing can erase it. I have not seen her since. What her answer may be is more than I can divine or even conjecture. Oh, Heaven, grant that it may succeed to my utmost hopes and wishes! The crisis is at hand. Tomorrow, probably, I will see her. Oh, how shall I meet her? I apprehend the worst. Oh Heaven, grant that I may in all, as likewise in this dispensation, say, ‘Thy will, oh Lord, be done!’

July 27th. — We have had a hard siege of harvesting, — we have got in our wheat and rye. Wheat first rate and heavy — in all, 681 Doz. — probably 300 Doz. rye. We have a huge quantity of oats to get in yet. Alas, that I should ever have been born! I am miserable — heart-broken — wretched! She has refused to view me in any other light than that of a friend, and worst of all, says she has promised her affections! Oh, Heaven, the reality is more than I could imagine! The pleasures of this world, the enchanting and beautiful scenes of Nature, in which I once delighted, have now no charms for me. Where to seek happiness I know not; the Lord only knows. He says, ‘He who loves the things of this world more than me is not worthy of me.’ It is in dispensation of this precept that I am left disappointed and miserable. But oh, it can’t be now averted! Oh, Heaven, I beseech Thee yet to grant it! For Christ’s sake grant it! Nothing is impossible with Thee, but all things are possible. Oh, seek for him who has her promise some worthier object, and leave me, in Thy boundless mercy, her who was the object of my early love, — her who supplied my daily thought, and her whom I now desperately love. Oh, grant it, I beseech Thee, for Our Lord Jesus Christ’s sake, Amen.

Aug. 16th. — We finished harvesting on the 12th — same day, I think, we finished last year. On the 13th a party of us went to the Springs. I and the one I love went together, and if my thoughts were bitter, I was happy, but how short that happiness! Alas! Years, I fear, will roll by ere again I see its like. I have nothing to wish for in life but her, and if she is denied me (which is actually the case, I think) I have nothing to wish for but Death. Yes, this minute, if she cannot, nor never will, be mine, I can say, ‘Come, welcome Death!’ If in future I read these lines (which probably I will) I know not what I will think of them. But yet I cannot believe she loves another. No, I can’t. Her whole actions say, ‘I love you!’ Oh, I know not what to do! We had 800 dozen of oats. Have not commenced ploughing yet.

Aug. 25th. — We commenced ploughing oats stubble the 19th inst. There was a Camp Meeting on Rich’d Taylor’s place, not far from here, last week. I am as yet in suspense, but I think it is decided that she never will be mine. Be it so. Providence has ordered it, & I have nothing to do but abide by it.

Sept’r 22d.—The first time I ever appeared before the people as a candidate I was successful. Whether it was a sign of future confidence, I know not, neither do I care; for I care nothing for politics. ‘But what’s the office?’ say you. ‘Why, a Schoolmaster,’ say I in conscious dignity, drawing myself up to my full height, which is at present about 6 ft. 1 in. Tremendous tall, is it not? Pshaw! A great office indeed! But it is even so. I have been discharging the duty devolving upon me for 4 days, commencing on the 19th, which, if Providence permits, I will continue for 6 months. We have not finished ploughing yet. Very few flat-apples this year. Threshed with the threshing machine. But the greatest event is that I have subscribed for the Sat. Eve. Post, by the bye, myself on the 17th of this month. I am resigned to her becoming another’s, not without many grievous feelings, but my Saviour suffered more, & I am persuaded, all has been ordered for the best.

Oct’r 12th. — We finished sowing our wheat on the 3rd inst. At the least calculation we have 50 acres sowed, on which we put 65 bushels. We have discharged our duty. May the Lord bless our endeavors with a plentiful harvest! Ungrateful as we are to Him, He never disappoints us but for our good. The decree of Fate has sent its mandate forth, and I must obey. They tell me that to-morrow she is to be united to another. Be it so! Providence has ordered it, and I must yield. But what are my thoughts, what are my feelings, is the question. Why, very well, thanks to an all-wise Providence. Ah, to think of her, that lovely being, how ardently & devotedly I once loved her! How highly I now esteem her! It is enough! Oh, may Heaven grant her the blessings of this life: the calm enjoyment of Heaven’s greatest gifts, a good conscience, a heart free from guile, pure and holy affections, and a heart that beats responsive to her own, — with sterling integrity, upright in his walk and conversation thro’ life,and not only a Christian in profession, but in the true sense of the word, which will bear the all-seeing eye of God with favor. May they live long and happy; be blessed with virtuous, happy, and obedient children, thro’ Our Saviour’s name, Amen!

I have a notion to write a short History of my life up to this date. Were I assured that the reflections and observations on my life were just, I would attempt it, but I fear they are not matured yet. Let these papers (if I shall live for years) be a memorial of former days; and I charge myself, if in after days I forget God and His mercies, let my conscience send poisoned arrows to my false heart. I am thoroughly convinced that a pious, upright life, free from any stain or blemish, is far superior to any frivolous and shortlived pleasures of the world, and that if the ways of religion seem hard and dull at first, there is a holy happiness accompanying the heart that is conscious of doing right in the sight of the Lord. I am, as yet, employed in teaching school at Fairview School house.

Nov’r 2nd. — The thing happened as I said, — but the only difference is that it took place one week after the time I named. I was asked to the wedding, but of course did not go, and so ends the matter. So ends my first Love in disappointment. Heaven only knows how the next will end, if I am ever to be in love again. It is a pleasant feeling, in spite of disappointment. Yes, I feel a blank void in my heart. Farewell, then, you I loved in blooming virginity. Time may roll on its course, but never will I find a soul like thine.² Fare thee well, fare thee well! The weather at present is most delightful. Oh what a pleasant day it is! We are now husking our corn. Times, as regards public things, are in a bad state. I am keeping school as yet. The Saturday Post has arrived.