The Leader

I NEVER feel I ’m serving on committees
Unless I’m chairman — you know how it is;
A woman if she’s capable or witty’s
A fool to join the social synthesis;
She may as well direct,
Or be president-elect,
Or something else that measures up to this.

Experience, ability, and vision,
These are the only qualities you need:
The simple gift for making a decision,
And keeping disagreeables agreed.
And swapping noes for yeses,
And getting out of messes,
And knowing what the budget can’t exceed.

Sometimes it’s helping with the public welfare,
Or learning of conditions in the slums;
Last week I just reduced the city’s El fare —
You take each little problem as it comes.
Officials of all sorts
Have examined my reports
Restoring air to civil vacuums.

So many things can aggravate a mayor,
And aldermen are busy with cigars;
You can’t correct malignancy with prayer,
And lodge the proper lads behind the bars.
It takes a good committee
To excoriate a city —
And people say that’s what we do to ours.

Who would n’t call a meeting with a gavel,
And intimate the business of the day ?
The threads of intercourse will quickly ravel,
But no one hears much what the others say;
A pleasant antidote
Is to put it to a vote
And get it on the minutes out of way.

Of course not everything on the agenda
Is worth the hot discussion it will get;
You wear a mask like those of Mr. Benda
And beg somebody for a cigarette,
And give your nose a dab,
And speak to Airs. Crabbe,
And ask if she’s investigated yet.

One never knows just what about an issue,
It all depends on how it is proposed;
Committees can destroy its very tissue
Unless the chairman’s brains are interposed.
I minimize the risk
By being bright and brisk,
And tell them quickly that the question’s closed.

The work I do is actually terrific,
With conferences in Washington and all;
My interests are national and civic,
Except the Riviera in the fall.
And if the need is dire
They cable me or wire;
My dear, it proves the world is very small.