Old King Cole in Trouble

OLD King Cole was a merry old soul. That you have often heard. But of the serious side of his life — such are the lapses of history — you may have heard nothing at all. History, like a photographer, sometimes says, ‘Look pleasant, please,’ snaps the picture, and there the subject is, handed down to posterity with a broad grin. Still less chance has any man of being known in all his moods if—like Old King Cole — he becomes immortalized in an epic poem. It will be discovered, when the whole truth is told about Falstaff — But that is another story.

What concerns us here is the fact that the biography of the true King Cole, the studious, sober, sad King Cole, has never been written. As a matter of fact, — as we shall reveal in this, the first published account of his official life, — it was in order to keep from brooding over affairs of State, indeed, to escape mental aberration, that

Now the truth is that Old King Cole, who ruled over the large and fertile Island of Plenty in a remote region of the Pacific, far from being as habitually merry as the pictures of Santa Claus, sometimes became so grievously perplexed over the economic problems of his kingdom, and so confused by the conflicting advice of his experts, that more than once — but we are getting on too fast. About his economic troubles you shall hear presently, with details from the Annals of King Cole I, Volume XXXIX, pages 978-1062, recently discovered by Professor Coefficient.

First should be set down some account of the Kingdom of Plenty. Prosperous and progressive it was, and very nearly self-sufficient; skilled in the arts of production, advanced in science, and proud of its schools and banks and hospitals. For many decades the growing population, impelled by the urge of the profit motive, had exploited new sources of materials, opened up new territories, invented ingenious laborsaving devices, and in many other ways added greatly to the means of bringing forth wealth.

Over this rapidly developing land Old King Cole was autocrat; but he was a benevolent ruler, as kindly disposed as Santa Claus himself; and, withal, he was a simple-minded man. Above everything else, he sought the welfare of all his subjects.

Now the King saw clearly that his people could not prosper unless they were provident. They must not immediately use up everything which their fertile soil, and their ingenious machines, and their willing hands enabled them to create. They must continue to save, as they had saved in the past, because only in this way could they add constantly to their marvelous facilities for getting out raw materials and turning them into useful things. ‘It is the duty of the State,’ declared the King, in his Thrift Week Proclamation, ‘to use every means at its command to increase the output of goods, and at the same time to curb the natural desires of the people to use up these goods.’

So the King encouraged the opening of savings banks throughout the kingdom, and the teaching of thrift in all the schools; and he had posters displayed everywhere, calling on his people, one and all, to ‘Save and Succeed.’ Debts he abhorred; and he lost no opportunity of reminding his people that their prosperity resulted largely from the frugality of their forefathers, who, toiling long hours at the plough and at the bench, had paid their bills as they went along.

Naturally, then, the King was gratified when he found that deposits in the banks were becoming larger day by day, and year by year, and that these savings were being used in such a way that new industries were started, and more good things were created for the enjoyment of the people.

These savings of individuals, moreover, were supplemented by the savings of industrial companies. Indeed, none of these companies planned to pay out as wages, interest, and dividends, in connection with turning out goods, as much money as they received for the goods. They expected, on the contrary, to save a part of their income, and to use it to increase their output. Thus — to use the homely phrase which, according to Professor Coefficient, originated with them — they ‘ ploughed part of their profits back into the business.’

Under this double system of savings, the King thought that much of the wealth which was produced would be used to enlarge factories, improve machines, open new mines, and reclaim barren lands. In this way, he had no doubt, greater still would become the wealth of the kingdom.

And so it happened, exactly as the good King had prophesied. Indeed, the increased facilities for turning out goods were used so effectively that warehouses were soon bulging with lumber and leather, wheat and wheelbarrows, not to mention acorns, and bagpipes, and neckties, and no end of other things which nobody would buy; until presently there was no place to put all this surplus wealth. And still his loyal subjects kept on making the surplus larger and larger. An Island of Plenty it was, in very truth — in fact, an Island of Superabundance.

Now the amazing thing about this predicament of Old King Cole is that, as far as can be gleaned from the Annals, it appears to be the very difficulty—usually called ‘overproduction ’ — which every now and then confronts the great industrial nations of our time. How effectively we deal with such a situation to-day, and how thoroughly our experts agree concerning its origin, are so well known that many people will wonder that Old King Cole had so much trouble in finding a solution.

First of all, it seems, the King called in his Chief Advertiser and put before him the problem of surplus stocks.

‘O wise and worshipful King,’ replied the Chief Advertiser, ‘that is no problem at all for one of my profession. There is evidently the beginning of a “buyers’ strike,” a little “sales resistance”; that is all. Advertising will overcome it. “The Truth Well Told,”— told by someone who understands the psychology of the consumer, — nothing more is needed.

‘Now, for instance,’ continued the Chief Advertiser, ‘it appears that there is an oversupply of acorns. Very well. The Chief of the Royal Chemists must announce that acorns contain the lifegiving principle of vitaflakes or santamins, or something else that nobody understands; and we’ll make acorns “The Health Food of the Kingdom.” In every street car the World’s Champion Typist, and the Highest-Paid Actress, and the Home-Run King will declare, over their own signatures and under their own portraits, that in their opinion the chemical constituents of vitaflakes are indispensable for success in life. The surplus bagpipes we can sell just as easily. We’ll have a Bagpipe Club in every village. Why, with a persistent campaign, we might even sell saxophones!

‘Again, you say the country is producing twice as many neckties as the people are buying. The way out is simplicity itself. We will make it fashionable for every man to wear two neckties. Then any man who wears but one will feel indecently clad. And, by the way, as the Royal Family must set the style, and as there is no time to lose, would it not be well to send at once for the Chief Haberdasher and the Chief Photographer?’

So the King turned his troubles over to the Chief Advertiser. And straightway the magazines and billboards began to cry out: —

Nor were the surplus surgeons and lawyers forgotten. Everywhere the people were urged to

Many equally brilliant advertisements appeared daily, until it seemed as though the King’s problem must be solved.

It turned out, however, that although operations and divorces became fashionable, and all the advertised goods — not to mention ink and paper — were consumed in larger quantities, the problem of surplus stocks still remained; for, as the sales of advertised goods increased, the sales of other goods fell off in proportion; and since the goods received at warehouses during the year had been greater than the sales, the whole situation was even worse than before.

In growing consternation the King called in the Chief of his Wise Men. To the question, ’What shall we do about it?’ the Wise Man replied, ‘O great and good King, there is but one thing to do: the country must build more warehouses.'

Accordingly the King called upon his ministers to form the Warehouse Finance Corporation, and to see to it that the necessary buildings were erected at once. Only a few of the new warehouses were finished, however, when the King was astonished to learn that no more would be needed. A strange thing had happened. The people had produced no more for the markets than formerly, but they had bought more. It seems that the laborers on the warehouses had spent their wages to buy some of the surplus stocks; but in the meantime they had created nothing but the warehouses, and these the people had not as yet been asked to pay for.

No more warehouses were built, and for a while all appeared to go well. Everybody found work to do, and everybody was paid the standard wages. But one day the Chief Minister came to the King in distress; it was plain that the warehouses would soon be overflowing again.

So again the King asked the Chief of his Wise Men what to do. ‘O great and good King,’he replied, ‘there is but one thing to do; we must build more warehouses.'

The King, however, — perhaps because he was a simple-minded King,— thought the Chief Wise Man was losing his wisdom. ‘Must we go on at this rate,’he cried, ‘until the kingdom is covered with bulging warehouses, and we are all pushed into the sea? No, there must be a better way out of our troubles.”So he sent the Chief Wise Alan to the Royal Psychopathic Hospital for examination.

Then the King said to himself, ‘After all, this is a matter of statistics. There is no doubt where I should seek counsel.'

Now when the Chief Statistician had heard about the difficulties, he spread out his charts and said: ‘O wise and gracious King, that is a very simple problem for a statistician. At present you have too many goods: soon you will not have enough goods. To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. It is the Law of Nature. These curves prove it. What goes up must come down. First a drought and then a deluge; famine and feast; summer and winter. It is inevitable. Do not interfere with economic laws, and they will work everything out in the long run.'

This, however, sounded to the King like some kind of religious fatalism; so he sent the Chief Statistician the way of the Chief Wise Man.

The King, perhaps because he was unversed in economic laws, was not disposed to ascribe all his troubles to Divine Providence. On the contrary, he began to wonder whether he and his Chiefs of This, That, and The Other Thing had not themselves created their chief troubles. Had they not, on the one hand, piled up the goods and, on the other hand, determined how much money the people received wherewith to buy the goods? Natural law did not seem to have much to do with the case; unless, indeed, it was a natural law for men to blame Nature for everything they did which turned out badly.

‘Figures, figures, figures,’thought the King, ‘unbalanced figures; that seems to be the root, of the trouble. Surely the Chief Accountant ought to know what to do.'

So the King put the case before his Chief Accountant.

‘Your Majesty,’ said he, ‘that is a very simple problem for an accountant. The figures show that your people are producing about ten percent too much; so one tenth of them must not be allowed to work until the surplus stocks are used up.’

But this proposal seemed to the King monstrous. In the Royal Library, it is true, were many scholarly treatises which explained exactly why it was necessary, and always would be necessary, to throw a. great many people out of work just about so often, because Venus behaved badly in the skies, or because the sun had spots, or women had votes, or because of some equally potent factor. The King, however, not having read these books, did not know that periodic excesses of unemployment were necessary. In fact, he had no idea that such a view was held by many men who were otherwise sane. So, after he had sent the Chief Accountant to the Hospital with the other unbalanced Chiefs, he returned to his unbalanced figures.

Presently he put the problem before the Chief Admiral.

‘Your Majesty,’ said he, ‘that is a very simple problem for an admiral. As I understand it, you want all your people to keep on working because it is good for their souls; but whenever they do keep on working they create too much; and then nobody knows what to do with the surplus. The answer is easy. Your ships are in the harbor, awaiting your command. Dump the surplus into the sea. Then all the shelves will be empty, and all your subjects can return to their work with renewed enthusiasm, knowing that there is plenty of room for all they can produce.’

‘Nonsense!’ cried the King. ‘I should as soon think of jumping into the sea myself.’ Then, after a pause, he added, wearily, ‘I may yet be driven to that.’

‘Do not despair,’ pleaded the Admiral. ‘There are more ways of killing a surplus than drowning it. A huge fire would do the trick, or an earthquake. Best of all, of course, would be a war.’

This was too much even for the patient King. Having long suspected the Admiral of mental disorder, he knew where to send the Admiral.

Then came before the King the Chief Financier.

‘Your Majesty,’ said he, ‘that is a very simple problem for a financier. There is a country across the sea which will be very glad to relieve you of your surplus, and even to send its ships to take it away.’

‘How is this country to pay us?’ asked the King.

‘Not, of course, with its own products,’ answered the Chief Financier, ‘since our main trouble is that we already have more goods than we know how to use. Payment can be made to us, however, in part ownership of mills and mines and plantations across the sea.’

‘What good will that do us?’ objected the King.

‘Why that,’ answered the Chief Financier, ‘will give us dividends and interest, wherewith we can acquire ownership of more mills and mines and plantations across the sea.’

‘Will the time, then, never come,’ asked the King, ‘when my own people will receive something they can enjoy, in return for the wealth which they have sent across the sea?’

‘Certainly not,’ replied the Chief Financier. ‘Our own industries now turn out, and can continue to turn out, more goods than our own people can buy. That is our very trouble. To import any more goods would only increase the trouble.’

But the King — being, as we have said, only a simple-minded man — could not follow such intricate reasoning. He doubted, in fact, whether anyone could follow it; and so, to be on the safe side, he committed the Chief Financier, along with the other Chiefs, to the watchful care of his Chief Mental Hygienist.

For a long time the perplexed sovereign thought, and thought, and thought; and this is what he thought: —

‘Clearly enough, the Island of Plenty is able to create good things much faster than it is using them. There is the wealth, in fact, already created. That is where my troubles begin. Neither is there any doubt that my people want more of this wealth than they are able to acquire. Indeed, if they do not get more, there may be an uprising. Somehow I must keep on encouraging habits of thrift, and yet enable my people to buy all the good things which they want, and are perfectly able and willing to produce; but first I must find a way of selling them the goods which they actually have produced. It is plainly a problem of distribution. I should have consulted my Chief Merchant before.’

The Chief Merchant agreed. ‘It is well,’ said he, ‘that at last you have summoned the right man. I hardly need assure you that your problem is trifling, indeed, for a merchant. All we need to do is to sell everything on the installment plan.

‘Not by that name, of course,’ he hastened to add, seeing the King’s displeasure. ‘Let us call it “The Consumers’ Budget Plan.” That sounds well. Let us teach the people to buy what they want out of income, not out of capital. “Dignified Credit for All”; “Government Finance Applied to the Home”; “Keep Up with Your Neighbors.” A few judicious slogans will put the plan over.

‘Take chewing gum, for instance,’ continued the Chief Merchant, warming up to his subject. ‘Why should anyone be obliged to pay cash in advance for a package of chewing gum? The gum may last a week. “A Penny Down and a Penny a Day.” That’s the idea. “Chew While You Pay.”

‘In fact,’ said he, ‘everyone could enlarge his business in this way — ministers, for example. As it is now, many an ambitious young man has to postpone getting married, merely because the clergy are so far behind the times. Why should a man pay fees in advance, when the marriage may last a lifetime? It is outrageous. Let us form an Amalgamated Marriage Financing Corporation. “A Dollar Down and a Dollar When You Think of It”; “Enjoy Marriage Now, Pay Later"; “Start a Home on the Principles of High Finance.” There you are: the unemployment problem among ministers solved for all time. Seductive slogans will save the State.’

Still Old King Cole was not convinced. For generations his people had been taught to pay as they went and save money. Now it was proposed to urge them to spend more money than they had. How far would that take them?

‘It sounds to me like another “something for nothing" scheme,’ objected the King. ‘Suppose you did mortgage the incomes of our people for a year in advance in order to increase sales this year. How would you increase sales next year?’

‘By the same method, extended and improved,’ replied the Chief Merchant. ‘We could mortgage incomes two years in advance.’

‘And then?’

‘Then three years, of course. The future is limitless. By the time a father had spent the income of his own life in advance, he could mortgage the future income of his children. By that time we should have a new name for buying on installments, which would make people think that debts were the handmaids of prudence and thrift.’

‘Take him away,’ ordered the King, ‘and treat him kindly. Do not put him in a strait-jacket unless he becomes violent.’

As a last resort, the King appealed to his Chief Engineer.

‘Now as a practical man,’ said the King, ‘can you not tell me how to get rid of these surplus stocks without throwing any people out of work, or dumping the stocks into the sea, or sending them abroad to people who cannot pay for them, or plunging my people into debt, or into war?’

‘Your Majesty,’ replied the Chief Engineer, taking out his slide rule, ‘your problem is—’

‘Spare me that,’ broke in the King. ‘ I have already heard that the problem is a very simple one. In fact, it is so simple that there is already an overproduction of cases for the Psychopathic Hospital.’

‘Nevertheless,’ insisted the Chief Engineer, ‘you shall have a simple solution. Now, it so happens that I have just discovered a means of harnessing the waves and setting their power to work. All I need to carry out the project is laborers and money wherewith to pay them. Then these laborers will buy the present surplus without creating a new one, for they will produce nothing to be marketed.

Best of all, at the end of the year the new power will be ready for use.’

‘And what then?’ asked the King.

‘Then,’proudly exclaimed the Engineer, ’the mighty force of the sea will be at the King’s command, and one laborer will be able to do the work of ten.’

‘Confusion worse confounded!’ cried Old King Cole: and a merry old soul was he not — at that moment. ‘I ask you to solve the problem of disposing of our present output, and you propose to increase the output tenfold. How much worse off we shall be then! Have all the Chiefs of Wisdom gone mad? In order to hear sense, must I summon the Chief Maniac? ’

‘Nuncle,’ cried the Chief Jester, ‘send him to a madhouse with the rest of the learned ones. The problem is too simple for wise men. Wouldst have the answer from a fool?’

‘Speak, Fool,’ cried the King, in despair.

‘Well, then,’ said the Fool, ‘hast heard that ten minus one never equals ten? Wouldst sell to your people all the wealth they make? ’Then see that they have money enough to buy it.

But the King was too distracted to listen even to his Chief Jester. In fact, he was on the verge of seeking refuge with the other demented ones when he bethought himself of a better balm for hurt minds. Then it was that