The Modernity Hospital

THE CONTRIBUTORS’ CLUB.

IN this heyday of charitable endeavor, it has always seemed to me strange that two classes of suffering mortals have been overlooked, the New Women and the Yellow Men. Their need of a “ retreat ” of some sort is beyond question. Why should we delay longer the establishment of a Modernity Hospital ?

It is understood that measures have already been taken towards this end. Indeed, I may say, in the confidence of the Club, that they are well under way, and, in order that a full understanding of the enterprise may be spread, I am allowed to state a few of the proposed rules of the institution.

Applicants of each sex must be quite incapable of seeing any happiness in life.

For the New Women’s Ward, each applicant must show herself a believer in sex as a purely modern discovery. For the Yellow Men’s Ward, a digestion ordered with special reference to dead-sea fruit — which shall be to it not as lead, but as gold, morning, noon, and night — must be an assured appurtenance of every patient.

Since alleviation rather than complete cure is the aim of the hospital, sufferers from both wards are encouraged to meet as often as possible. (It will probably appear at first that the women’s contempt for the men, and the men’s admiring distrust of the women, will render these meetings infrequent ; but protestations of such feelings from the patients must be ignored. After a few weeks of treatment, it may be expected that afternoon tea for groups from both wards will become a necessary part of each sufferer’s routine.)

With the same principle of alleviation in view, the New Women are urged to write as many papers on vexed questions, and the Yellow Men as many “ minor poems,” as they can. Aside from private readings, which are always encouraged for the prompt relief they have been known to give in many cases, a periodical public reading in the assembly room of the hospital shall take place. It cannot be said exactly how often this reading will occur, but it shall be the duty of the wardens to keep themselves informed as to the quantity of manuscript produced from day to day ; and when it shall equal in amount the copy necessary for a monthly magazine, the public reading shall be held. With the hospital in good running order, it may be expected that this will happen about once a fortnight.

The world’s notions of conventionality may be ignored so far as the municipal authorities will permit. New Women with a special tendency towards a “ common standard ” shall suffer no restrictions in the use of tobacco, even if, beginning with cigarettes, the patient becomes addicted in the end to cigars and pipes. Yellow Men with the same desire for equality shall be allowed as much knitting and fancy-work as their strength will permit.

These are but a few of the regulations, but perhaps they are enough to show how thoroughly in sympathy with the methods of contemporary science the founders of the institution are. Is it too much to hope that the public, once informed of the purpose of the Modernity Hospital, will come generously forward to its support ? Any person desiring to endow a bed, either for New Women or for Yellow Men, may (or may not) receive further information by applying to the Steward of the Club for which I write.