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Introduction to Word Games Meet your hosts, Cox & Rathvon Word Games rules Enter the current Word Games contest . Archive of past Word Games Join in the message board fun Suggest a contest for your fellow wordplay lovers. If we can use or adapt your idea, we'll bestow upon you any book from The Atlantic Store. |
Edmund Clerihew Bentley isn't around to poke fun at today's Hollywood stars, so we'd
like you to step in and do your verse. Send us an original clerihew whose subject is
a person from the movies or television (we'll include the TV screen along with the
big silver one). For example: Tom Hanks Has accounts in fifty banks. His earnings took a jump When he said, "People call me Forrest Gump." To warm you up a little more, here are some samples submitted by rhymesters in our 1995 Clerihews in the News contest on AOL: Cher (To compare) Has more money Than Sonny. ([email protected]) Hugh Grant's Been caught with a downward vector to his pants. Since then his wealth and fame have gotten bigger. Go figger. ([email protected]) Warren Beatty Loved to date, he Fooled around with every girl he Met except of course for Shirley. ([email protected]) Senator Jess Helms Saw "Desire Under the Elms." He turned red and ranted, "Get this O'Neill guy de-granted!" ([email protected]) Okay, now it's your turn. Mail your clerihew to [email protected]. Multiple entries are welcome, but for our convenience pack your verses into one piece of e-mail whenever possible (and please don't use attached files). Senders of our three favorite entries will each receive a golden pen, a guided tour of Edmund Clerihew Bentley's birthplace, and a guest appearance on Siskel and Ebert's syndicated TV show -- either that, or a free book from The Atlantic Monthly. "Clerihews in Tinseltown" will remain open through Friday, April 18. Winners and full results will be posted on Friday, April 25. --EC and HR Rathvon and Cox Received virtual crocks Of letters from people who quite evidently Thought they were Bentley. We're sure Edmund Clerihew Bentley would have been pleased to read the many jocular, rollicking rhymes submitted to us in his honor. Among the poems was this arch note from [email protected], a game-player fond (as his screen name attests) of palindromic creations: I seem to recall that when Bentley's ancestor, Louis Chesterton Clerihew, was chosen to become general manager of The London Times, the occasion inspired the now-famous palindromic headline: "WE HIRE L.C. CLERIHEW." Among the poems themselves, the most popular subjects seemed to be Madonna and Dennis Rodman (why doesn't this surprise us?). Of the verses dedicated to Ms. Ciccone, our favorite was: Madonna Wanna Golden statuette, But ain't got one yet. And of the Dennis Rodman commentaries, our favorite was: Dennis Rodman Seems like an odd man. But he has his agent's blessing When he's cross dressing. We should have made it clearer that in a pure, traditional clerihew the first line consists solely of the subject's name, forcing the second line to rhyme with that name. We did receive a number of Hollywood-oriented quatrains which, while not true clerihews, were nevertheless quite clever and mirth-inducing. Our favorite of these was from [email protected] (who also sent a number of true clerihews): Hollywood millionaires Were caught unawares: There's not much headroom In the Lincoln Bedroom. Our three winners will each receive their choice of a free book from the Atlantic's online store or an Atlantic T-shirt with a surfing Poseidon pictured on the back. Our laughing congratulations to [email protected], [email protected], and [email protected] for their wry and ridiculous rhyming! King Kong Was very strong. At least, he wasn't frail. Some say his story is true, but I think it's just a Fay-Wray tale. Sir John Gielgud Said, "I don't feel good. Who would have thought that eating a rancid smelt Would cause this too, too solid flesh to melt?" Elizabeth Taylor Never married a sailor Or anyone who'd been governor of Texas. And that's about all the exclusions on the list of her exes. Howard Stern Would earn Acclaim as an actor If his lousy parts weren't such a negative factor. Ginger and Fred Never shared a bed. Their love scenes, performed upright (except for dipping), Were still gripping. William Hurt Removed his shirt. T-shirt-wise, he was as stark As Clark. Morris Would never bore us. He thought shilling for 9-Lives was fun; He, alas, had only one. Fred Astaire, With thinning hair, "Good little dancer; can sing a bit"-- But what a hit! Gwyneth Paltrow Knew how to Drive half the women in America mad: Snag Brad. Lassie Had a lovely doggy chassis. But under all that fur, She wasn't a her! Rudolph Valentino-- E bello latino! For the Lady in Black, sans the sheik, Life was bleak. Judy Garland In the far land Of Oz fought the Witch and won the strife, But couldn't manage it in life. Clark Gable Was able To live without sham. He just didn't give a damn. Kermit the Frog Left the bog To star in movies bikin', dancin' and fencin'. And was the first to mourn Jim Henson. Miss Piggy Is really wiggy. But moi thinks that hog Ain't winnin' the frog! Roseanne Barr Arnold Thomas can Shed husbands faster than pounds. Is that as catty as it sounds? Claudette Colbert And a change in men's underwear: Conditions were right For "It Happened One Night." Clark Gable Is part of fame and fable; Southern belles sign with regret, "Theah will nevuh be anothuh Rhett." Greta Garbo Quit her carbo Diet. Then she began to hiss and moan "I want to be alone." Tyrone Power, Whenever he'd shower; In order to thoroughly wash, Had to unbuckle his swash. The Barrymores Have been shaken to their very cores. From legends like John--dashing, To Drew's "Late Night" appearance--flashing! Peter O'Toole (The prince of Cool) Looked like Lawrence? The very idea is an abhorrence. Barbara Walters Sometimes falters; On interviewing Arafat, She asked him what milliner designed his "hat." Tom Cruise Made big news; With a nod to Freud, He bared his soul in the latest supermarket tabloid. Sam Peckinpah Insists on raw And realistic gore in every picture. Though with his plots there's no such stricture. Kenneth Branagh: With Olivier he can now Ask, "To be or not be?" But there is no question of to see or not to see. Oliver Stone: To history he is prone. But when it comes to the truth He often plays it fast and looth.
Ted Turner, Always a quick learner, Sent out word he was fonda Christiane Amanpour's news from Rwanda. Michael Jackson From the press got this reaction: "The little guy's a Prince. You're the Dad? We're hard to convince." Sylvester Stallone Should have a clone. When his movies bomb He could blame look-a-like Tom. Courtney Love: Her Oscar gown fit like a glove. When nominated she said "Goody. And give one to Woody." Charlton Heston: His reputation can rest on The epic role of Moses And NRA flack, one supposes. Kevin Bacon Should have a stake in The Six Degrees game; Without him, it's lame. Joel and Ethan Cohen For weird films are well known. Why are they called so bizzaro? It's simple: Blood brothers too far go Michael Jordan Thought a film would be rewardin'. He really was quite a ham Sharing the screen with a toon in Space Jam. Danny DeVito Can't go incognito. He thinks it was terribly funny To make a film with other people's money. Elizabeth Taylor Knew her looks would never fail her But when she split with Larry She vowed never again to marry. Actor-director Rob Reiner Gave Carroll O'Connor a shiner. Dad Carl finished him off handily Just to keep it all in the family. David Helfgott Talks an awful lot. He might shine if he played Bach, But he sticks with the 3rd Rach. Macaulay Culkin Felt like sulkin'. His father blew his career And he was home alone to cry in his beer. Joe Pesci-- You'd never guess he Stayed home alone like a ninny Pining for my cousin Vinny. Movie director Spike Lee Is a talented guy, all agree. He gets his greatest kicks Cheering for the Knicks. William Shatner's hair Isn't really there. Like the "True Cops" genre he's impacted His youthful hair is re-enacted! Geraldo Rivera Got smacked by a chair a Slimy troglodyte threw For the titillation of me and you. The King of Pop Has got to stop Living in Neverland If he's to be a family man. Zsa Zsa slapped a cop During a minor traffic stop And it got her far more ink Than anytime since the dinosaurs went extinct. Lauren Bacall Wowed the Governor's Ball. Her elegantly tailored Armani jacket artfully concealed the ladylike pistol she later used to coldcock Juliette Binoche. How gauche. Brooke Shields: Her chastity yields, Losing her virginity Following Wimbledon in the back of a rented Infiniti. Cary Grant Can't Whisper sweet nothings to turn a girl's head. He's dead. Elvis Presley OD's at Nestle. The truth needs gilding: Covered in chocolate is how Elvis has left the building. Donald Duck Can't cluck. But he doesn't lack A quack. Sylvester Stallone, To insure that his film career will go on, Made a sports movie--about boxing, not hockey. Thus he got a piece of the Rocky. Mickey Mouse Had no spouse. He hadn't any. But he did have a girlfriend; and not just one, but Minnie! Chet Huntley Put things bluntly, But David Brinkley Put things more succinctly. Tom Hanks Ranks, Among actors, as way above par. He's a really "Big" star. Arnold Ziffel (No piffle!) Reached a new high of thespianism and theatricality, And became a widely known "porcine-ality". James Earl Jones Intones In features About creatures. Rin Tin Tin Has a favorite chair he's often been in when He was needed on the set. Would it astound yer To learn the chair was a Barker Lounger? Ursula Andress Can dress In a sundress-- Or undress! Toto, Who would pose for any photo, Liked to harass any passing chariot. This activity became known as the original "Ozian Harry-It"! Simba Is limn-ba Disney, Isney? Kermit Has become a hermit, Because he can't sell mo' Toys than young Elmo. Gladys and Doris Tried to sing a chorus, But found their voices weren't meant to be merged that way... They discovered that the difference was like Knight and Day! "DOUBLE INDEMNITY" Barbara Stanwyck'd Turn any man wicked, And in a great hurry. Just ask Fred MacMurray! Errol Flynn Was very embarassed when He looked down and said, "Gosh! I forgot to buckle my swash!" Rodney Dangerfield Decided he'd range afield And make a movie where he's kissed by Della. He 'spec'd That only by doing this would he get Reese-pecked! Roddy MacDowell, Trying to get fitted for his Ape character, threw in the towel. The suit was too small (he'd apparently acquired a case of the chunkies), And he finally said, "Anything's more fun than Apparel of Monkeys!" Tyne Daly Had lots of fun wielding her shillelagh; Sharon Gless, Less. Sean Penn Said, "I am going to punch out some men. If anyone calls, Say I'm inciting brawls." Anne Parillaud Played Nikita, although Not the one who banged his shoe, yelling, "We will bury you"-- He's in a different clerihew. Brad Pitt Has the "It" That long ago Belonged to Clara Bow. Fiennes Signs "Ralph," but it's safe To call him "Rafe." Lassie Was pretty classy, But whoever thought a collie would (Bow-wow) wow Hollywood? Juliette Binoche Has no lack of argent de poche. Ever since "The English Patient" lined her coffers She's had plenty of offers. Just plain ol' "Liz" Is Better Than Elizabeth Rosemond Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Warner etc. Jessica Tandy Thought it was dandy To be thrown in With Hume Cronyn. Charles Nelson Riley Ended his humorous e-mail with a :-) And when he made a joke of which he was especially proud, With LOL. Blythe Danner Knows all the lyrics to "The Star-Spangled Banner"; Tony Danza, Only one stanza. Jean-Claude Van Damme Went "Wham!" His entire approach to acting Is impacting. Bette Davis Was a rara avis, Especially in regard to the size Of her eyes. Mr. T Isn't as rich or famous as he used to be. But rather than laugh at his misfortune, which would be cruel, I pity the fool. If Delta Burke Had a fight with Captain Kirk, William Shatner Would flatten 'er. Teri Garr Ought never to have become a star. One can only laugh At such a gaffe. Bill Bixby Lived in apartment 6B Right across the hall From Lauren Bacall. Dolly Parton Buys bras by the carton. The remarkable thing here Is that each carton holds just one brassiere. When "Bones" Is lost in a group of imposter robot clones It takes Leonard Nimoy To spot the real McCoy. Mike Myers' Body of work inspires Critics to say "What a shame 'So I Married an Ax Murderer' wasn't cinema verite." Michael Ovitz Said "By Jove, it's Awful working for that other Mike." So, despite hating exercise, he took a hike. Sylvester Stallone Bathes in cologne. To his way of thinking That's his only chance to keep his movies from stinking. Juliette Binoche Felt rather gauche Winning the Oscar over Lauren Bacall... Whose polite smile was perhaps the best performance of all. Howard Stern Has an attitude which many spurn, Turning outrageous behavior into an art, Proving nothing's private about his Private Parts. Ellen Cleaned her closet out by tellin' Blurring the line between fact and fiction, Providing a Dan Quayle/Murphy Brown contradiction. Babe Has got it made No diets, no health clubs, no gym: His Rubenesque shape is what's in. Bette Midler Met a fid'ler. They played like the Birds on sandy Beaches Then on the lifting wind flew to higher reaches. Lee Marvin Was carvin' His name, while riding his staggering horse In the Oscar race, and won of course. Tom Cruise Took to booze. Shook it high and shook it low Drank his Cocktail very slow. Rachel Green, I have seen, Dumped Ross Geller: Lucky feller. Frasier Crane Analyzed my brain; He was off by miles. I'll go call Niles. Woody Could he Be a Worse guy for Mia? CBS anchor Dan Rather Got himself all in a lather; When Brokaw "softened" his news, Mr. Rather "hardened" his views. ABC commentator George Will Of liberals has had his fill. His head is conservative on call, But his heart likes to hear "Play Ball!" O. J. Had his day. Got away, But has to pay. Lucille Ball Was the best of them all. She knew how to be funny, And certainly how to make money. George Burns Knew how the world turns: Make 'em laugh at antics odd, Then top it off by playing God. Bob Hope Never said, "Nope," When asked to play For the soldiers' day. Lauren Bacall Nearly had it all: Bogart and fame, But no Oscar to claim. Sylvester Stallone Made it on his own. Rambo and Rocky, Yet he's still not cocky. Meryl Streep May not be too deep, But with all that loot, Who gives a hoot! Marilyn Monroe Put on quite a show. The "Mr. President" birthday song, Of all her acts, will be remembered long. Kevin Spacey: When he won first place, he Raised a rosé To Keyser Soze. Billy Crystal Was sorely missed, 'til His Oscar night oration Earned him a standing ovation. Tom Cruise Has nothing to lose; If his career hits a pole, He'll still have Nicole. Bruce Willis Can always thrill us; But here's the gem--he Still thrills Demi! Cary Grant Would mope and rant 'Til it appeared That Deborah Kerr-ed. Jim Carrey Said he'd marry Someone jolly-- Yet he STILL wed Holly! Helen Hunt Pulled quite a stunt; We'd thought we'd lost her 'Til we found Jodie Foster. Ronald Reagan With Nancy naggin' Played his biggest role As lead White House pol. Tom Cruise Gives verbal abuse To sports owners until they flash The cash. Nora Dunn: She's no fun. Ratings took a dive When she left "Saturday Night Live." Rocket J. Squirrel Found Bullwinkle a girl. To do it he conned her With double entendre. Clint Eastwood, Who really is no beast, would Blow people away Just to make his day. Clark Gable, According to fable, Rehearsed his co-starlet With "A Study in Scarlett." Groucho Marx Gave Henny Youngman sparks: "Please, take my wife?" "You Bet Your Life!" Boxcar Willie, Unlike Milli Vanilli, Did his own vocals-- And can't sell tapes even to yokels. Lloyd Bridges, (An insider alleges), Would have been a lot hotter If he didn't keep his career underwater. Tony Bennett Sings "The Bluest Skies..." when at A Seattle disco, Because he left his heart in San Franciso. John Belushi Died eating sushi. We all thought he'd OD'd But it was just seaweed. Demi Moore: We experienced her fair vanity before. Too much skin exposed again now has become Ho hum. Degeneres, Ellen, Is finally tellin' What we guessed long ago. Okay, so? Elizabeth Taylor, Courageous prevailer, Cut a hole in her brain, She'll come right back again. Heston Was best in His roles from the Bible. Thank heaven the dead never sue for libel. Woody would've If he could've. But Mia's tough She said "enough." When Cagney was "bad" He was a cad. But today "good" is "bad." Gad! Marilyn Monroe Had eyes like a doe. She was hot to trot In "Some Like It Hot." Peter O'Toole, Looked so cool, Riding that mammal, An Arabian camel. Sandra Dee, As cute as could be. Her career was not farin' So she married Bobby Darin. Demi Moore Shed the clothes she wore, Then pranced with ease In naughty "Strip Tease." Annette Funicello Lived in a bordello. She sang surfer lingo In "Beach Blanket Bingo." Alan Ladd Never did bad. He never raised Cain Except as Shane. Ursula Andress Was under some stress. When Bond said go, She fled Dr. No. Dan Aykroyd, Forever the android. He gave lots of jive On "Saturday Night Live." Chevy Chase Was running in place. Going on location, He found a vocation. Donna Reed Did a good deed As Jimmy's wife In "It's a Wonderful Life." Anthony Michael Hall Was having a ball, Following the herd, Looking the nerd. Warren Beatty The womanizing matey. He took Goldie to his lair And shampooed her hair. Fred Astaire Made half a pair As a male prancer And Hollywood dancer. Robert Stack Took us back, To the Twenties no less, As Elliot Ness. Billy Bob Thornton: Accolades he's warrantin'. The critics, he slayed 'em Now his future is made, mmm mmm. Geoffrey Rush: Oh critics did gush For his portrayal of David Helfgott. Now look what his shelf's got. Frances MacDormand: Not quite the norm; and For her portrayal of a state trooper The Academy said "Super!" Lady Roberts, pretty Julia-- Don't let them continue to fool ya. Do not play another part, Unless they let you be a tart. Howard Stern Makes a turn. Now he's a nice guy in a good movie. When is he real and when is he hooey? Sylvester Stallone: The action that's shown! Bombs and guns blaze up the set! The plot is about... uh, I forget. Copyright © 1997 by The Atlantic Monthly Company. All rights reserved. |
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